现在是晚上2点钟，又失眠了，很累，但就是just cant sleep。给老板email了report之后，听歌到现在，看着blog上面空白的一大片，就是不知道写些什么，似乎在耳边的每一首歌都让我有很多思绪，但是反而是太多太杂，他不够写出来了。不过幸好，也就是blog而已，不是初中时每个礼拜的例行作文，也没有爸爸的毫不手软的review让我的辩解显得比文章更难堪。So what the hell, just another bs thoughts for my own blog.

对于还是学生的我，现在是最难熬的时间了，特别是在还有3个月之后就没有学生这个特权的时候，放暑假了，毕业了，所有的人都离开了，即使是和我毫无关系的人们，看到他们一个个提着箱子走出宿舍大门的时候，好像我比他们还要伤心难过似的（不像个男人）。一切都在提醒着我，我那仅剩的3个月，这离开朋友家人的两年，和未来更多的一个人在香港的日子。惭愧的说，我确实不是一个坚强的人那。

还记得两年前的这个时候，最后一晚上在东华，一个人在寝室里，一切都是空荡荡的。凌乱的房间，上了锁的皮箱，静得要死的空气，明天就要离开了。4年，我最快乐的，无忧无虑的4年，我要把它放在身后了。特别是，最后的两年，可以和那么可爱，美丽和善良的一个女孩在一起，她给了我生命里最快乐的时光。很庆幸自己可以有这样的一个女孩，在这个稚气未脱的年岁里，在大学这片青春的保护伞下。还记得，第一次去看她跳爵士舞，也许是还没有确立关系的原因，很自然，很开心，有点小时候要去春游的兴奋。回来的路上，我们也是谈笑风生，直到我看到她可爱的像个小熊一样的穿着那件红色的滑雪服过马路，青春、美丽在一瞬间定格，让我想抱住她告诉她我喜欢她。现在，在香港的每一天，都在回忆着之后和她的点点滴滴。两个人去乐购买烧鸡啃着吃，去买西瓜捧着吃，吃饭的时候，总是叫我多吃蔬菜而不断的夹着我的排骨大吃特吃，真的很希望时间可以永远停止在那里，世界就是我和她，年轻而无忧无虑，都是爱。还有很多很多的第一次，第一次去图书馆，第一次一起在一教102自修，第一条消息告诉她我喜欢她，第一次牵猪她的手，第一个拥抱（在新东方后面），第一次让她哭，第一次为她哭，我想我也许是sentimental过头了。

我知道，很多的时候，我没有做到有资格可以看到她的笑容，听到她的声音，又有很多时候，我让她流泪，让她伤心。我不是一个合格的男朋友那。总是不够浪漫，不够细心，看去总是有点渺茫的未来；但是她还是一如既往的喜欢着我，即使我现在一年也只有2个礼拜的时间可以陪她在一起，有时候电话也不够及时，不够温柔。

希望未来的几年里面，可以为未来打好基础，可以有钱和多点时间回上海陪陪她。可以不再像现在这样的敏感和软弱。也许never grow old确实是不正确的那。But I just feel so nervous when I think about yesterday. How can I ever get thing doing on me when all the sweet past like dying in the sun? Hope I can just hold on to myself to let us never break cuz I want to be so perfect for you to see.

About sin

There is a widely read book tells us that everyone is a sinner, of course, not everyone reads this book feels guilt about the bad things they do.

However, I did. In fact, I have been spent most of my life feeling guilty.  As a child, I felt guilty about not getting straight As. In college, I felt guilty for myself about blowing off the chance of getting onto the second base on my girlfriend. And now, I am feeling guilty about staying up all night but doing nothing.

Anyhow, sin was brought on me at the moment I was born, or maybe even much earlier than that. Maybe I did something really bad on my last life and I have to suffer from this strong sense of guilty for the rest of this life and maybe very likely the next and next life. Or maybe, ok, it is just a speculation; the sense of guilty will go along with us as long as we live. And maybe this is mainly because we live on our sins and sins not even us but taken by us anyway, then the guiltiness comes along.

Pity, there is one simple logic, there is nothing such as buyers remorse in our life and not an easy getting off the hooker.

The problem actually not even the sin or the sense of guilty, the real problem is the confession after that. Why we be so stupid to share the secrets especially the ones that might put us in danger with some other people. And if we did so many bad things, then can we trust another one maybe very much like ourselves. It is just like look at the mirror and shouting out “I am a bad person”. Come on don’t be that silly, even we know we are.

So here, comes with a simple recipe which I strongly believe taken by most of the government officials and serial murders, just remember we are bad by nature so just be bad as Michael Jackson once sang. Only by that, we are relieved. And may god bless us and save us from the sins.

Ok, getta sleep or the sin just gets too strong for even another 6 cups of coffee.

“We stand the ground and we fight”.  I feel regret and shame that I never learn how to fight and never fight. Truth is that I always feel myself a coward since I never fight even just show my fist to that bad boy next class.  Maybe I should just blame on the fukcing stupid China education system which can only make a boy into a sheep shape. Or maybe I just was born a clown.

But as I always believe and no one can deny that besides sex, violence is the only another instinct that our human beings have. And once we take a few paunches and find out that we are not made of glass, unless you push yourself as far as you can, you can feel alive again.  Purely animal physical behavior will grow on you and make you confident than any time you are. And even if you lose the fight, you built your courage anyway. And let us if you died or hurt, pity though, you can finally wipe that epitaph “coward” off your grave, not like most of the people, not like me.

And fight along may make you feel like a lonely hero but fight with your bro can make you feel even better. The best part is not knowing your bro get your back but knowing you get your bro’s back.  It just all reminds me of the song of “Dare Straits”.

And after all, we still have to be back on the issue of responsibility, to your family, your mates and yourself. But where is the responsibility to the society and nation. What if we be a little nice boy to the parents and just watch the fukcing japs doing their parades on the Nanjing Road and doing nothing. Then we are not a nice boy to the parents. Then we are not a nice boy to ourselves. Peace? That is the word for cowards when the war’s about to coming. If you are ready to fight you will have your peace. Nationalism is not what I vote for but still hope it can make some noise. Education and development maybe the right answer after all, but do not forget the fight.

I am from the slum so do not teach me to be a gentleman. That is no fukcing use. Just let me be expendable.